Thursday, May 17, 2012

Breaking the Fourth Wall

Many readers have written to me lately, asking about the blogging process. How do you start out? How do you choose topics? How do you hook up with editors?

Without further ado, I'd like to lay bare my blogging 'process' for you.

1. Idea - Of course, this is the toughest part! One must sift through academic papers, newsreels, or the evening paper, seeking that elusive chemical angle. Failing that, just stand underneath a row of Edison incandescent light bulbs, until one of them shines brightly. That usually does the trick.

2. Composition - Blog posts, like all thoughtful writing, flow better when written out entirely in longhand. Make sure to liberally sprinkle in Twitter hashed tags, oblique in-jokes, and remember to include 'hyperlinks' by using the phrase "Dearest Editor: Do, please, insert after this word, the following: H.T.T.P <slash> <slash> <colon>..."
Source: Olmstead Soccer News

3. Pictures - If you have some upson board and charcoal, initial sketches are fine. Failing that, purchase a daguerrotype machine, or one of the brand-new Polaroid Company "instant" photograph machines. Remember, these require adequate time to develop, so please "shake it" well.

4. Upload - You wish to send a document, long-distance? Well, thanks to trans-Atlantic communications, the impossible can now be achieved! Simply bring your draft parchment to a local telegraph operator, and ask them for their post-haste rate.

Pictures will still have to be sent by mail, or by Pony Express. That's the rub.

Source: 20th Century Fox / Matt Groening
5. Transcription / Editing - Once received at the other end, a team of experts will typeset and format your opus, and suggest minor changes. Chief editors will ensure quality reproduction, as shown above.

Within a few fortnights, your brand new blog post should be "live," and you may feel free to start the process once more.

1 comment:

  1. I just keep a thousand monkeys or so in my basement pounding away on typewriters. When I see something produced that looks halfway decent, I post it!