Grad School's Mental Toll

There's a moment during your first panic attack when you're absolutely certain you're going to die.

~~~

Kermit does his "chem grad student"
impression
Source: mlkshk Tumblr

A 'perfect storm' of sorts arose during my fourth year in grad school. A failed blood donation, where I passed out and couldn't get back up; chalked up to lack of sleep. Or waking up with horrific nightmares after just a few hours; too much coffee, maybe?

At the time, I would wake up at 6:00AM to take the first bus into campus, fortified by a "breakfast" of junk food and soda. I'd work 5 hours, eat a frozen microwave meal, work 6-8 more hours, then stumble home for a burger and a beer. Between coffees and colas, I was averaging seven caffeinated drinks per day. I developed facial tics, put on weight, and felt chronically ill.

Now, sprinkle in some "life events." A building move. A group switch. A death in the family. A sudden, out-of-the-blue contact from a long-forgotten relative. Financial woes. Managing an undergrad. Writing an ORP, two papers, and fellowship applications at the same time (not recommended). All occurred in about 3 months, around the holidays.

I distinctly recall the first time I felt creeping doom: I was driving back to lab after dinner, and my vision blurred. My heart began to race, and I felt trapped in my own car. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to pull over, and after about five minutes the symptoms subsided. So. . . I drove to work, anyway. Ugh.

A few weeks later, more bad news: a potential postdoctoral gig fell through, with no replacement in the wings. The economy seemed headed ever further downwards; no one got jobs. My lab work had stalled, with a few (small) fires to boot.

One evening, I got up from the dinner table after a long discussion with my S.O. and realized, quite suddenly, that I couldn't walk. I lowered myself to the ground, heart thumping, knees wobbly, a rush of grey spots clouding my eyes. I began seeing darkness. That's it, I thought. That's how it ends.

I laid there for some time, writhing. I tried to sit up, but couldn't. When I could finally stand, we went immediately to the ER - not covered under student insurance, btw. I spent the night hooked up to a EKG, and was advised to seek counseling in the next week.

What followed was completely new to me: Group sessions. Medication. Crisis intervention. It took me several months to get back to normal working hours. I felt trapped in seminars, and took seats near the exit. I didn't drive much. Every few days I'd have short spells like the initial attack, but never as serious. I suppose I was lucky.

~~~

It was time to completely redo my life. I reduced my working hours. I took walks, and started routinely exercising again. I ate healthy breakfasts and forced myself to take extra vegetables and fruits. I wrote letters and long emails. I began a renewed effort to look ahead, and didn't dwell on the present. I made time for myself every day. I prayed.

Things got better with each progressive year. I defended. I lined up a postdoc. I got a job after a lengthy search process. Luckily, I had a loved one with a "real job" to help me. I don't wish to consider what it would have been like to go it alone.

Grad students: if you feel like you can't take it anymore, or don't feel like yourself, seek help! Don't feel stigmatized, and don't hesitate. Certain decisions can't be taken back. Always have someone to confide in, and always make time for yourself, even if it's ten minutes a day.

There's a lot more life to be lived on the other side of grad school.

Really.

Note: I wrote this as a response to Chemjobber and Vinylogous Aldol's "Grad School Mental Health" discussion. For more posts in the series, check out their sites.

Weekend Warrior...at Work

Chemists, do you work weekends? Should you?

Let me clarify: as a chemical professional, I know that I'll never work the "9-to-5" hours popular in the modern workforce. The reality ends up somewhere between forty-five and sixty hours per week. I also realize I have responsibilities to my employer that continue after I leave lab for the evening: 

1. Light email correspondence. 
2. Taking emergency phone calls. 
3. Reading through the literature to keep up with the "current art."

But when I say work weekends, I mean arriving at lab on Saturday and Sunday like you would on Monday-Friday: starting new reactions, taking TLCs, ordering supplies, reading drafts, everything. The Whole Nine Yards.

All work and no play make Homer
something something...

Yes, I was a graduate student once. I distinctly remember fourteen-hour shifts as de rigueur, with at least eight more hours over the weekend to keep momentum going. I worked this pace for the incentive of a terminal degree, with the promise of a brighter future where I'd at least get major holidays off. As a postdoc, your pace often intensifies, since you have limited time and resources to make a big enough splash that you'll be considered "marketable" to someone - someone who might offer you major holidays and two weeks' vacation. 

Maybe.

Well, the working world hasn't really panned out like I thought. Evening meetings occur more regularly, working lunches are standard, and now the work week bleeds into the weekend. Chores at home go unfinished. Family and friends are ignored. How's that old expression go? 

"All work and no play make Jack a dull boy."

Could this actually be counterproductive? Sure: tired workers make more mistakes, call in for more sick days, and generally don't feel as invested in company goals or culture. There's also the question of expectation - weekend work becomes an accepted part of your schedule, and employers will anticipate your future willingness to sacrifice personal time for career goals (Weekends? Nights? Holidays? Double shifts? Sleep under my desk? Sure!). 

I could tell you I was here this weekend, but...
Source: Abbi Perets

The irony mounts Monday morning, when the inevitable question comes up - "So, how was your weekend?" The person asking actually expects you to talk about things you did outside of work!

What's the solution? Companies could hire more employees or offer performance incentives, but the weak economy has subdued these approaches. Managers could sit with their chemists to identify where investments in equipment or sourcing could lighten their loads, but this assumes the capital exists to finance such ventures. No, I'd guess that, for the foreseeable future, the "weekend warrior" will continue to wage war...from work.

Exactly Like Cooking - Black Beans, Rice, and Plantains

Continuing our series to put more money into grad student wallets, through the power of cheap but nutritious (and leftover-generating) foods!


This recipe comes to you by way of three Cuban / Jamaican food staples: plantains (thick, fibrous banana-like fruits), black beans, and rice. The prep time is a bit longer, but, as a trade-off, you get quite a few extra meals here.

Picture this, but with rice...
Source: Allrecipes.com

Black Beans, Plantains, and Rice (Prep Time: 20 minutes)
Equipment - Small pan, small pot, one more pot (or rice cooker), wooden spoons (2), measuring cup (1 c), sharp knife, cooking oil.


Ingredients - 1 can black beans (Goya, Bush's, store brand)
1 green pepper
0.5 onion
0.5 tomato
1 box frozen plantains (Goya, Publix, Wal-Mart brand, etc.)
1.0 c rice
1.5-2.0 c water
some butter (2 tbsp)
some brown sugar (4 tbsp)
some plain Greek yogurt (1 tbsp)
some shredded cheese (handful)
spices: cumin, garlic, cilantro, parsley, curry powder, salt, pepper, adobo, hot sauce (all to taste)


Procedure - Get that rice cooking, either by loading it into your rice cooker, or by boiling water on high, stirring in the rice, then reducing heat to medium-low and covering with a lid. Meanwhile, dice up (cut into small pieces) pepper, onion, and tomato, then load into a pot with a small amount (2 tsp) of oil on medium heat, uncovered. Stir every 2 minutes or so, until you hear popping sounds and see steam slowly rising from the pot. Add the black beans (no need to rinse 'em, just dump it in!), and stir occasionally, until bean / veg mixture begins to simmer. If you want, now's the time to add your spices (see above list).


OK, plantain time! Heat a few spoonfuls of oil in your small pan, on medium to medium-high heat. While the oil heats, gently defrost your plantains, usually with 1 minute of microwave heating (or by leaving them out for a few hours). Begin to fry the partially-defrosted plantains in the hot oil, turning often, until they take up some of the oil and begin to brown. Reduce heat to low, add butter and brown sugar (maybe also some cinnamon and hot sauce?), turn often until plantains are sticky and deep brown. 


By this point, the rice should be done. Drain (if in a pot), scoop out onto plates, spice with parsley / pepper / salt. The beans should have lost some moisture, and should be more like a thick soup. Grab about 1 cup of the mixture to cover your rice. Add one or two of the fried, sugared plantains on top, cover with hot sauce and Greek yogurt (replaces sour cream), and some shredded cheese. Should make four (4) total servings.


Total Cost: Beans ($1.00/can) + Rice ($0.50 / cup) + Plantains ($1.75 / box) + veggies ($1.50) + Brown sugar ($0.35) + Butter ($0.40) + Dairy Additives ($0.75) + Spices ($0.50) = $6.75, or about $1.69 / serving.

Exactly Like Cooking - Microwave Bagel Sandwich

OK, starving grad students everywhere, Round 2!


For the first few years of school, I got by with what I thought I could best afford: Pop-tarts, cereal, trail mix, yogurt, or corn meal mush. I realized (much later) that these foods, cheap though they were, wouldn't sustain me for the long morning push of reaction set-ups, group meetings, and seminars. It's also not a great idea to supplant the need for proper nutrition with more coffee - not if you want to sleep at night! (Do chemists sleep, anyway?)


Thus began my long experiment to find alternative (cheap!) breakfast ideas. Early on, I realized that the little café a few blocks from campus had it right: they microwaved egg mixture, slapped some cheese on it, and popped it onto a bagel...and charged you $4.50! I thus embarked on a quest to learn how to construct a bagel sandwich for myself, using only what was in our lab break room: a fridge, plastic forks and spoons, a microwave, and a toaster.

Delicious and Cheap!
Source: For the Love of Cooking

Microwave Bagel Sandwich (Prep Time: 5 minutes)
Equipment - paper towel or napkin
small, round poly container (think side-dish containers from take-out food!)
cooking spray


1 egg
5-10 mL (1/2 oz.) of milk
handful shredded cheese 
pinch of salt, pepper, parsley, curry powder, or hot sauce
1 bagel, toasted


Procedure - Spray inner surface of small plastic dish with cooking spray. Mix egg and milk together with plastic fork in dish, add spices to taste. Fold paper towel in half lengthwise, and cover dish by "wrapping" towel over the top and tucking ends under the bottom (in case egg explodes from excess heat).


Place bagel in toaster and commence toasting. In the meantime, set microwave (assumes a 120V, 2 Amp microwave) for a single cycle of 48 seconds at 60% Power. Remove dish, lightly "shake" to ensure cooking is even, re-cover with towel, and place in for a second cycle of 50 seconds at 90% Power. Now add your cheese, and microwave one last time (uncovered, this time) for 10 seconds at full power. This should melt the cheese. 


Did your bagel finish toasting? Great! Take one half of the bagel, and place it over the plastic dish. Invert the entire thing (a "puck" of cooked egg should slide out), and top with final bagel slice. If this still isn't enough food, consider adding some spinach leaves, apple slices, or microwaved bacon / ham to augment.


Total Cost: Bagel ($0.50-$0.80, in pk. of six), + egg ($0.20) + cheese ($0.25) + milk ($0.10) = About $1.25 per serving.